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Tuesday, 21 January 2020

Decoupling: Doubt - Fear - Hope - Love (4)

The reply that I received on my recent blog Why is it so hard to reconnect to someone? was short: "Where is the love?" I asked whether her comment suggested a different kind of song (eg, Black Eyed Peas, Celine DionDamian MarleyRoberta Flack & Donny Hathaway) or something else. She answered: "No, it's my question. Where is the love?"

The context of her question is important: "Maybe I'm misreading but your description feels like negotiations. If you love someone then you just give, don't you? With generosity? Obviously with hope but without reservations."

I explained to her that the process of reconnecting is driven by hope and love but that our doubts and fears are often stronger than our hope. The two accompanying quotes (in that blog) by Fran├žois de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680) illustrate that process.

Her answer: "Fear stronger than love. What a sad statement. Yes, you can be hurt. Isn't it better than doing nothing? Fear is not what is holding me back, I think. Because love is the most important. Love, the rest is [background] noise." Also see 1 Corinthians 13:13.

I've outlined the cycle of Doubt-Fear-Hope-Love in various earlier diagrams, which never satisfied me. Something felt missing. Today, I saw it.

The cycle of Doubt-Fear-Hope-Love is the very same cycle of Equilibrium, Decoupling, Vacuum and Coupling. These cycles fully match.

It feels like a breakthrough that the micro cycle of Doubt-Fear-Hope-Love has been validated by the meta cycle of Equilibrium-Decoupling-Vacuum-Coupling. And vice versa.

A relationship usually involves two persons. Both persons will change over time. Hence, relationships must either bend (ie, change) or break over time. Love will cause bending. Our doubts and fears will cause a break-up of a relationship.

My friend’s question - Where is the love? - is indeed the question that we should ask (ourselves).

Where Is the Love? (1972) by Roberta Flack & Donny Hathaway


Note: all markings (bolditalicunderlining) by LO unless stated otherwise

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