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Tuesday, 5 November 2019

A quid pro quo in relationships

Sunday, I had a conversation with a Possibly Maybe. I asked her about her expectations and some of her words are still resonating in my mind. She said she "doesn't want to be dependent" and that she is "looking for a connection". The expectations independence and connection fit many female dating profiles. However, any connection creates dependence - by definition.

She wasn't talking about money or something else tangible. It was about emotional dependence. Such a connection would be like a light switch: emotions ON / OFF. My problem is that I can feel its OFF position loud and clear. To me, that is a problem as I’m someone who craves for attention and prefers a permanent ON switch. 

Any marriage, or other type of relationship, contains a hidden and silent quid pro quo. Between romantic partners, there is often a distinct inequality in earnings, parenting, and household chores. Initially, this inequality is beneficial to the relationship (eg, vacations). Subsequently, dissatisfaction takes over and the perceived inequality threatens the balance of power within the relationship.

After my divorce, I vowed never to be dependent again on a woman. My dependence had put me in a vulnerable situation. Nowadays, I run my household chores by myself, although a part has been subcontracted. My desire for being independent does not stretch beyond my household. Any quest for independence comes at a prize (eg, alienation). 

I prefer an emotional and spiritual dependence following the Body, Mind & Soul concept (my blogs). Love is the ultimate example, especially for two of the six ancient Greek words for love, being agape (divine love) and eros (romantic love). 

When in love, how could one even feel independent? Also see one of the famous "Love is comics" cartoons by Kim Casali (1941-1997), a New Zealand cartoonist.

This famous cartoon reads: "Love is not just someone you want to be with, but someone you can't bear to be without!" Hence, love equals a mutually desired dependence.

Many female dating profiles want independence and claim to have no interest in FWB. However, any relationship is just friends with benefits without an ongoing emotional connection, and without a mutually desired dependence. The outcome of that is lust; not love. 

Lust for Life (1977) by Iggy Pop

Here comes Johnny Yen again 
With the liquor and drugs 
And the flesh machine 
He's gonna do another striptease 
Hey man where'd you get that lotion? 
I been hurting since I bought the gimmick 
About something called love 
Yeah, something called love 
Well, that's like hypnotizing chickens 
Well I'm just a modern guy 
Of course I've had it in the ear before 
'Cause of a lust for life 
'Cause of a lust for life

Note: all markings (bolditalicunderlining) by LO unless stated otherwise

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