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Friday, 13 September 2019

Lessons in Love

The article that I used for Tuesday's blog came as a relief. Apparently, others experience the same as I do. In fact, its contents have been on my mind for quite some time. Why is it that the duration of my relationships gets shorter and shorter? I am the only constant factor. Hence, the issue should logically reside with me (eg, my incompatibility).

At work, I have always had issues with people who are lazy, dependent, and/or dumb. I have always preferred working with reasonably smart, independent, and hard-working people. Until writing this line, I had never considered that I may have copied that approach into my private life.

Some people bring joy into your life, whether at home or at work. To me, bringing joy has always been a big compensation for any deficiencies. Your tolerance level becomes higher and you just accept more (actually: less) of them.

Love is perhaps the greatest joy of all because you will accept all kinds of flaws from that person. Sexual intimacy is another source of great joy. Its (deliberate) absence causes major problems in relationships (Guardian-2019HuffPost-2014, Psychology Today-2016).

John Gottman and his business and romantic partner Julie Gottman (ie, the Gottman Institute) recently published their newest book: Eight dates. They mention the 8 categories that are fitfalls for any relationship: trust and commitment, conflict, sex, money and work, family, fun and adventure, spirituality, and dreams and ambitions (Guardian-2019).

My irritation with certain people might relate to #2: conflict. However, I avoid conflict unless it serves a purpose. I prefer harmony in my own life and with others. Avoiding conflict may very well result in a shorter duration of a relationship.

I just realised that I am learning from my romantic failures by applying an improved due diligence process: long phone conversations before meeting someone, as well as Google background checks (eg, Facebook, LinkedIn). Actually, interviewing candidates for an open job is similar. Companies, like banks, use customer due diligence before starting a commercial relationship.

The shorter duration of my relationships isn't only negative. My longest relationship was my biggest failure. My second longest relationship was a mix of failure and success. My third and fourth longest relationship were relatively successful. The others may qualify for a Dutch saying: It's better to stop half way than to persevere in error.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” A quote by Rumi (1207-1273), a Persian poet.

Lessons in Love (1986) by Level 42


Note: all markings (bolditalicunderlining) by LO unless stated otherwise

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