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Tuesday, 13 March 2018

How and when do you know it's over?

"So, then, how do you know if the relationship is truly over, and it’s time to move on? This is one of the most difficult life questions to answer. It really is. I’ve struggled with it so many times." (a Psychology Today-2018 quote). The 1st time, it took me some 10 years to figure out this question. The 2nd time, it took me a few months. Since then I got experienced at this - alas.

I still remember asking this same question to friends. They didn't have an answer and told me that I "would just know it" at the appropriate time. They were right. There is no other answer to this question. Each situation has its own merits. There is no generic or template answer to address an individual and often complicated situation. 

Actually, my tolerance levels only became higher during my period of contemplation. Perhaps, this is a default mechanism for saving your relationship. Initially, this period felt like a compromise with myself. Subsequently, I became angry with myself for "compromising". Unfortunately, I projected my anger onto others to release the increasing pressure inside me.

Compromising with myself and increasing tolerance levels wasn't the answer. I became an angry man. Provoking me became more and more easy for the people around me. I was mostly able to restrain myself given the intentions behind these provocations. My triangle of Body Mind & Soul suffered from this period. My 2013 burn-out was probably necessary to realign this triangle.

The last drop in the bucket came unexpected, for me and others. Suddenly, I realised that my future situation would never ever improve, unless I regained control over my own life. Finally, the consequences of my decision became secondary to my own wellbeing. For 10 years, these consequences had paralyzed me in taking a decision, and at the expense of my wellbeing.

It felt like a relief for putting my own wellbeing first rather than the wellbeing of others. However, doing this was unusual for me. Probably, this was also the reason why I had ended up in my situation. Apart from the duration, the 2nd time looked like a copy of the 1st: compromising with myself and increasing my tolerance levels. Still, forewarned is forearmed.

As a result, I have become reluctant to let my happiness and satisfaction - or contentment - suffer by others. I am looking for a healthy balance in making compromises now. The main differences are that I openly talk about it, and that I use a mutual rather than an individual perspective. Compromising should not imply or include a desire to want to change someone. 

“How do you know when it's over?"
"Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you.” 
An intriguing quote by Gunnar Ardelius (born 1981), Swedish author.

I Don't Want To Change You (2014) by Damien Rice


Note: all bold and italic markings and underlinings by LO unless stated otherwise