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Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Distrust

Previously, my trust in people came as a default although always with a healthy suspicion. Now, I no longer trust people's intentions and especially the ones of women. Male intentions are much more easy to decipher. A string of incidents in my life changed my healthy suspicion into an unhealthy distrust. Unhealthy as it paralyses my behaviour, especially towards women. Unhealthy also, as I feel that this new me is not whom I actually am, or who I want to be in life.

It was good to talk with someone for 9 hours in a row this week. I felt no distrust towards her at any single moment. Perhaps because I met her earlier, some 30+ years ago. I think it was much more than that. She doesn't wear a mask in life. She doesn't pretend. She's just genuine and sincere. Perhaps because of her life altering moment nearly 13 years ago. Perhaps she was always like that. I don't really know as I only met her for the 3rd time in my life.

The question on my mind is, how to get rid of my distrust. I know where it came from and am anxious to lose it again. It's probably some kind of defense mechanism to avoid new disappointments, new hurting. Unfortunately, my distrust seems to be rooted in my subconscious rather than in my conscious as I seem unable to reach and remove it with a logical override. That probably implies that my distrust is fear related. This actually makes a lot of sense, now I think about it (consciously).

The above even brings new insight: fear and love are subconscious feelings while hope and faith are conscious beliefs. No wonder that fear and love will usually win from any conscious state of mind. A logical override requires a (very) strong personality. Love typically hits you like lightning – overwhelming and unexpected - and leaves logic dangling like a puppet on a string.

I am determined to find - or create - a logical override as my present “paralysis” is unacceptable to me. Perhaps the solution lies in (more) socialising. Obviously, new disappointments would create even more distrust. The penalty on my 2012-2013 logical override was immense and somehow still ongoing.

People claim that it is all about getting rid of your emotional baggage (eg, picture). That idea is great and also ridiculous. Most of our emotional baggage is stored in the unknown knowns section of our human firmware

Faith is the natural antidote for Fear. However, the strongest antidote for Fear is Love itself. And falling in love is even the easy part (see my 27 October 2015 blog). 

I guess I know the solution now.



Riccardo Cocciante - Se Stiamo Insieme (1991) - artist, lyrics (UK), video, Wiki


se stiamo insieme = if/when we are together

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