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Monday, 25 April 2016

Silly old me

You must have realised by now that the Alison Krauss / John Waite song (Missing You) was meant for you. It was my way of letting you know that you're still on my mind and that I still miss you. Not each day but many, if not most of the days. Simple things can bring back memories. I thought that cleaning up the fridge and the food supplies would help me forgetting about you but the resulting emptiness is even more evidence of your departure.

I am unable to move on. Yes, it's my problem and I know that very well. I can analyse, deduct and write about letting go & moving on but it doesn't make me an expert in practice. Our time together is just too long to forget. Moreover, as we both experienced my worst years ever. My Nemesis is still around and is clearly also not moving on with her life.

The conflict inside me is once again between heart, mind and soul. Logic dictates that our differences are bound to create new problems in case we would reconnect some day. My foolish heart woke up too late and misses my best friend and lover. And my soul misses its mate. My heart and soul are pushing me to reconnect with you but my mind refuses because it seems so unfair to you and maybe even selfish. Teardrops are the result of this internal conflict. And this blog.

Being a male, I always think in solutions. At times, I contemplate driving to you with some tulips or roses, just to say “Hi”. I know this idea is silly even though you might like it silently. At other times, I consider selling my stuff and build a place together with you, somewhere in the sun.

My problem is that I don't know if you're happy. Happy with your new life, happy with him. In the absence of data, I build assumptions and I then use those assumptions to even worry about you. Not smart, I know. “A little silly”, as Queen Maxima would have said. Ultimately, I am human after all, with fears, hopes, and lots and lots of disappointments as my expectations towards other people have always been too high.

With hindsight I realise that I screwed up. And not only once but probably several times. I thought you had forgiven me. I guess I was wrong. I didn't see your revenge coming. Probably as it came so late. You achieved what you were looking for as your revenge hurt me. Your dating with another man hurt me even more. I made the silly decision to compete with you by also dating someone, and I hurt a friend in that process. Much later, my subconscious started comparing others with you. The fact that you "won" should have alarmed me but I failed to understand what was happening to me.

Some time ago, someone made me realise that I loved you despite my denial. That was already the second time this happened to me, and that new revelation came as a shock. I still believe in your astute explanation for my inability to recognise love even when she is “just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her” (Notting Hill).

Actually, that movie is one of my all-time favourites. At the end of the movie, Hugh Grant proposes to Julia Roberts and they live happily ever after. Last week, I even wondered what you would do if I would make a similar move on you. Silly old me……

Billy Vera - At this moment (1981) - artist, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2

What did you think I would do at this moment
When you're standing before me with tears in your eyes?
Trying to tell me that you have found you another
And you just don't love me no more

What did you think I would say at this moment
When I'm faced with the knowledge that you just don't love me?
Did you think I would curse you or say things to hurt you
'Cause you just don't love me no more?

Did you think I could hate you or raise my hands to you?
Now come on, you know me too well
How could I hurt you when darling, I love you?
And you know I'd never hurt you, woah oh

What do you think I would give at this moment?
If you'd stay, I'd subtract twenty years from my life
I'd fall down on my knees, kiss the ground
That you walk on, if I could just hold you again

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