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Saturday, 6 February 2016

I am only doing it for you........

As I mentioned in my 10 January 2016 blog, "the Ledger of a Relationship": We all keep score in a relationship although the reasons may appear to be very different. The pluses and minuses are carefully written down in our memories. Minuses are amplified and compared with past experiences. Although financial warnings claim that "past performance is not indicative of future results", our emotional alert system does think so. To many people, the past negative experiences do seem indicative for the success in their future relationships.

Yesterday I received a question which I had answered with some words that I usually do not use: "I am only doing it for you". She is the first person I feel I can be totally honest with and hence I dared to say this to her. Her initial response was a little confusing though. And thus I added some words like: "Perhaps you like me to lie to you in future in view of political correctness."

I didn't realise that my words had hit her "prehistoric database" (as I - and now also she - refer to it) and that they had stirred up some unpleasant memories. She was used to hearing these words after the fact and she then had felt his blame and her guilt for inviting him with her. I generally prefer to talk about things upfront in order to reach a well-considered compromise.

I told her that I had assumed that she wanted me to join her after someone else had cancelled. That is why I offered to join her on a work related event which involved lots of traveling and little personal "us" time. After some consideration she and I decided that she would go alone - this time. I don't mind joining her in future and see her at work - albeit a church.

We often do things for our 'significant other' that we wouldn't mind skipping if we were given half a chance. It is very difficult to say "NO" to such requests as there is no easy way to refuse. Often we hurt our 'significant other', either with our half-hearted replies, or our excuses - let alone a refusal. And if we don't hurt our partner then we may hurt ourselves by doing things only for him/her.

Nevertheless, we still do these things - which we would actually prefer not to do - as else we may look like being egocentric, insensitive, and/or selfish. All of them reflect bad on ourselves. Hence we pretend not to mind, we pretend to like it. We pretend to be bigger than we really are and are only increasing the already inflated expectations of ourselves.

In my 1st failed long-term relationship there was no balance, no reciprocity. I did not express myself enough, I just followed while trying to please the other. Finally, I couldn't bear it anymore. To some extent, I am still figuring out what really went wrong in my 2nd failed long-term relationship. Recently, my new partner even said to me that I was just pretending not to love her.

That was actually pretty stupid of me as Love is probably the only place in time where you do not need to pretend to be someone else. You can just be the way you are. Obviously, being in denial about being in love was a major obstacle. I'm quite sure that I need to show the real me this time. No more pretending. No more denying. Even in love.

Bryan Adams - Everything I Do (I Do It For You) - 1991 - artist, lyrics, Wiki-1Wiki-2


Bruno Mars - Just the Way You Are (2010) - artistlyricsWiki-1Wiki-2


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