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Thursday, 30 July 2015

Solitude

In my July 27 blog, I used a quote by Paul Tillich: Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone. I haven't been able to focus on my blogs for the last couple of days as my mind was occupied by a woman. My July 29 blog was the - quite unexpected - result from that encounter. 

While loneliness expresses the feeling of pain of being alone, at the very same time loneliness is also crowding and occupying your mind with that overwhelming feeling of sadness. Solitude however is being alone in appearance as well as in mind. Emptying your mind is the glorifying part, not the fact of being alone.

I have learned to enjoy my solitude, perhaps even learned to love it, and I'm not sure if I want to sacrifice it for being no longer alone. Increasingly, this is becoming a dilemma to me. Solitude cannot be shared. Loneliness can easily be shared as I see plenty of couples that radiate the feeling of being lonely inside their relationship.

Only solitude allows me to find the words to express my feelings. Solitude requires the absence of voices: radio, TV and also music. Even light classical music can sometimes interfere with my thinking, especially when the topics are really tough (like this one). The sound of nature is always comforting me whether it's the wind rustling the leaves of nearby trees or the rain hitting my pavement, roof or windows. Remarkably, total silence is distracting me as it feels unnatural.

I don't know if there's a solution for my dilemma. I haven't given up on finding a solution. Yet I feel that I should make a choice between solitude and the company of a female. I know that I can't write while having someone around me. I also know that I either feel guilty for not writing or feel guilty for not paying attention towards that significant other. Yet it still doesn't make sense to me that I should make a choice. There must be a compromise somewhere.

The solution – or compromise - might be in a weekend (LAT) relationship. It would however require the will and trust of two individuals rather than just one. And let's not forget that each advantage has its own disadvantage (an adaptation of Johan Cruyff’s famous saying). My current thinking might be much more like a quick fix rather than a permanent solution.

And why is this even a dilemma to me?? Nobody seems to have this dilemma! Actually, I'm wrong as I just remember that I recently had dinner with a male friend who appears to be in a similar situation. And he told me that his (male) neighbour is too. It can't be a male thing if only for my own mother.

I know that I would choose for solitude if I would be forced to choose. If that's the case why do I even feel a dilemma??

And suddenly, while writing this, I realise that I still haven't given up on Love. That is the real reason for feeling my dilemma. Somewhere deep down, I'm a “hopeless” romantic. And I know very well that I would always choose for Love over solitude. I'm still Addicted to Love (April 20 blog).


Laura Pausini - La Solitudine (1993) - (lyricsvideo, wiki)