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Thursday, 18 June 2015

The Heart of the Matter

This morning I woke up feeling dizzy. Really dizzy. As if I had been drinking a lot. Which I don't. I have been searching my mind for what could have caused this. Perhaps the 2 strong coffees around 8PM yesterday evening. I didn't sleep well at all last night. Perhaps it was the combination of both. Perhaps I need to adjust my eating habits. I don't know. I do know that I cancelled a social event for this evening to avoid 2 hours of driving alone. My health is more important nowadays.

Most of all I was, and am still, reminded of my father who died at 61 from a recurring – second and inoperable - brain tumour. He survived the first after a successful operation. I still see him in the garden doing his usual stuff as if nothing had happened in the months before. He didn't want to talk about what had happened. Perhaps it was denial, perhaps he was enjoying his good fortune of the successful operation. Doesn't really matter, with hindsight.

Perhaps it's morbid or even silly to make this connection with my father’s passing at 61 but it's only 6 years from now. One of the reasons I don't smoke is him. One of the reasons that I'm serious is him. This isn't even criticism. If anything, I envy him for how he lived his life: with friends, beer, laughter and cigarettes. His friends joined him a few years later. I suspect they are still having lots of fun together, somewhere up there.

I am not afraid or scared for my moment. I have had a good life and no regrets. Yes, there are still some outstanding issues but these are not unilateral ones. It takes two to tango - or reconcile. When the time comes, I'm ready. By the way, don't worry as I don't feel it will be anytime soon. Especially not, since I survived my severe 2013 burn-out. There's still work to do, knowledge to gather, blogs to write, and - most of all - people to help.

This evening, someone said to me that she needs me. Yet, I've never even met her. I cannot really understand that somebody actually needs me. Nor why she would need me. Even my children don't seem to need me. Ellen (20) still refuses to even talk to me. That used to hurt me a lot but nowadays it's not a problem to me anymore as I have learned to become A Solitary Man (Jonathan Jeremiah).

I never saw myself as a solitary man before. A Family man, yes. Since mid 2014 I'm alone and things have really changed. My attempts for new relationships have all failed. In each case I was the one who broke up. It gives me a much better understanding of the U2 song I Still Haven’t Found What I'm Looking For. Actually, I have no clue what I'm even looking for today. Nowadays, I just say that I don't believe in “looking for” but just in “finding”. So far I haven't been very successful in “finding” either (i.e., reconciliation, work, love).

“I am learning to live without you know, but I miss you sometimes. The more I know, the less I understand. All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again. I've been trying to get down to the Heart of the Matter. But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter. But I think it's about forgiveness. Forgiveness. Even if, even if you don't love me anymore”. (Don Henley song)

These words by Don Henley have been bringing tears to my eyes for many years. I finally understand him now. I will continue looking for the Heart of the Matter. It's worthwhile.