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Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Hiding in my shell

I am sad again. This gloomy feeling returns every 1-3 months. Perhaps it's triggered by the lousy weather right now. Perhaps it's being alone most of the time. Perhaps it's about being turned down over and over again. Perhaps it's about the feeling of despair when I read or listen to the news. There are so many causes that contribute to this sad feeling. Sometimes I feel that I'm losing hope again. Not faith. Just hope. My situation looks endless. Even my back ache has returned to mock with me.

At times, I am not the strong person that people take me for. I am a Pisces and highly sensitive of my surroundings. Fortunately, my 1960 Metal Rat personality will soon take control again. In general, I am quite blessed with my Piscean-Rat personality. When I have these gloomy feelings again then I hide in my shell, I listen to classical music, and I stop external communication until the feeling of sadness is gone again. Today my anger even returned. The anger that I associate with not being able to change certain things in my life - or ineptitude.

I suppose the dark side is pulling at me again. It tends to return in my hours of weakness. In 2013 the dark side was even able to enter into my mind and "talk" to me. I still remember that my eyes were then suddenly drawn to the DVD "Constantine" which I hadn't seen yet. Watching it learned me a lot about the dark side and its effect on people. Ultimately, my faith keeps me away from the dark side.

I don't want to fight the grief that I'm feeling as it's genuine. At such times I feel that I have lost a lot and gained little. I know that it isn't a little as I have regained my future which had looked totally lost. Yet, it's a future that still feels like a greenfield - with all its advantages and disadvantages.

Grief is not only a rear view mirror. It also allows us to consider what we still have and to cherish that. The Dutch rock bands BløfDe Dijk and IsOokSchitterend have beautiful (Dutch language) songs about that (see links in band names). The essence of these songs being that we only know what we miss, once it's gone. And also: what you never have had, you cannot lose (IOS). Up to the moment of loss, we just felt "entitled" to having her, him or it. Realising that such an entitlement does not exist - and that it was a mere blessing in life - should act as an eyeopener towards our future.

Today I was urged to talk about this. I can't. I wouldn't know where to start and how to end. We have a saying in Dutch which would translate like this: Saying things without insight results into statements without perspective (C. Buddingh': "Inspraak zonder inzicht leidt tot uitspraak zonder uitzicht."). Actually, I am using this blog to gather and process (some of) my many thoughts.

I just need time to gather and process my thoughts and to regain my hope and my strength again and to move on. Day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. Soon I'll be the person again whom everybody assumes I am. Apart from the few who actually know me.

The 1974 Supertramp song "Hide In Your Shell" from their fabulous "Crime of the Century" album, comes close to what I'm feeling. Roger Hodgson sure chose his words well as they hit you in the face, line by line. To finish with a positive note however, I will only use a very small part of these lyrics

"Don't let the tears linger on inside now, Because it's sure time you gained control".