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Friday, 15 May 2015

Traumatised

For the ones wondering how my May 13 blog has ended, well be informed that I broke up with her.

Yesterday evening, while driving home and putting my thoughts together for my goodbye message, I heard a Paolo Nutini song on the radio which has the following lyrics:

"We are broken by others, But we mend ourselves, We take comfort in strangers, But I don't think it helps, If every fool wore a crown, I would be a king and not a clown".

Several Facebook friends already like this quote, so I suppose they can relate to it too.

My original concerns over this relationship were not even the reason for breaking up. Her behaviour felt more and more similar to that of my ex wife. I have solemnly promised myself to never ever accept such behaviour again. I am still traumatised. For reasons that you will understand I have not entered into any details. Yet, you may see why I relate to these Paolo Nutini lyrics.

Yesterday afternoon, my mother advised me to break up with her after hearing a few examples from me. I suppose even my mother is somehow traumatised by my ex wife. She also told me that it will not be easy for me to find a female match. I have come to realise this too and therefore didn't even bother to ask my usual why question. 

I suppose this episode also solves my priority dilemma with respect to relationship and work. However, I cannot imagine that work will become my hobby again as it used to be for decades. I also cannot rule it out as in general I love what I do (e.g., blogging, work).

Yesterday afternoon, while driving to my mother, I finally listened to the Gregory Porter CD Liquid Spirit that I had bought almost a year ago. The lyrics of the song "Water under Bridges" puzzled me:
"Do you remember, The days we used to spend? Memories so strong, It keeps me from moving on,
If I could go back, I'd take our worst days. Even our worst days are better, Than loneliness". My worst days will never ever be better than loneliness. Yet, I suppose it makes a huge difference to whom you compare. 

Loneliness is basically a state of mind. I never feel lonely and I am alone 24/7. For many years, my ex had been brainwashing me by telling me that I need a woman to take care of me. I almost believed her. Nowadays, I am proving each day that she was wrong. I don't need one but I want one as being in love is a great joy and happiness. Breaking up is the hard part. It's failure all over again. 

I'm not sure if there will be more blogs after this one. I am truly disappointed. I'm trying to digest which lessons I have learned this time. It's still a little hard now as I'm still in the middle of the storm that is whirling in my mind. 

Nevertheless, and as expected given my April 20 blog, my brain has already been feeding me with its 2012 solution. And suddenly, I can fully relate to Gregory Porter's words: 
"Do you remember, The days we used to spend? Memories so strong, It keeps me from moving on".